I'm thoughtful. And CLASSY.
All joking cat sex aside, my mother is amazing. She’s good at anything she tries to do. She can craft, garden, cook, sew, sculpt, collage, paint, fix up old antiques to look less crappy than they really are, and she is an unending fount of intuitive patience for those she loves (and even those she doesn’t). There’s more, but I don’t want to make you feel bad about yourself compared to how great my mom is.
Here, let me show you a photo!
You can see where I learned my classiness.
All right, all right. Maybe this is a good time to show you this photo. You can see by the way she’s looking at me that she’s used to me posting those other things, and yet she still loves me. Best mother ever!
Classy women like this can easily pretend I'm not their least favorite child.
(BTW I took that photo of those cats last year and I’ve been waiting for a chance to use it. And no, they’re not my cats, who are spayed and neutered because I am responsible like my Mom taught me to be.)
Bandito’s Burritos is a delicious little restaurant located on W. Holly Street in downtown Bellingham, Washington. One of their major attractions is a well-stocked salsa bar featuring home-made toppings from 1 to 5+ stars, in flavors from savory to sweet. Today, they had this:
If I worked there, I wouldn't have written the "ha ha." Which is why I'm not allowed in the food service industry.
While so far this salsa is my favorite April Fool’s joke (that sucker was NOT one star), I keep seeing awesome contributions to today’s fun, so I’m going to compile a list. This will be updated throughout the day as I find more jokes.
Baby Skeksis born at Franklin Park Zoo
Unicorn Meat for sale on ThinkGeek
Changeable tattoo kit for sale on ThinkGeek
Man from future arrested at Large Hadron Collider (highlight: “It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”)
Starbucks adds two new sizes of drinks
Unique colony of penguins (this probably isn’t April Fool’s, but it was sent to me today, so it counts!)
Entmoot convenes to discuss same-sex marriage
Take a look at our Christmas tree.
Every light is like an Alienware power button.
But wait… What is that up on top? Look closer:
You don't even want to know how much our tree-topper cost. Try... an arm and a leg! HA!
Yes, my friends, to the best of my knowledge, that is an actual preserved Pygocentrus nattereri, also known as the red-bellied piranha. Have an even closer look!
OM NOM NOM
When I was putting the ornaments on the tree, I dropped one. Seamus burst out laughing and turned to my cat Every, who was sharing the couch with him, and said, “Haha, you were totally right, man! Here.” Then he pulled five dollars out of his wallet and tucked it under Every’s paw, like this:
Joke's on Seamus. Every paid me to take a dive.
Also, in a less flesh-rending version of Christmas: while we were shopping for tree stuff, I found this strangely confused Santa Claus.
I always get it mixed up and think the elves live at the north pole and penguins live in the south. Silly me!
So, is there anything special about your holiday decorations? Perhaps one of your ornaments is an heirloom, or you cut your tree from a hanged man’s grave under a full moon and it comes alive at night and murders your neighbors. Please, do tell.
