I feel like a bible story. Maybe i don’t have boils or dead kids or whatever like Job, but the cheerful “it’ll pass” mentality i’ve supported myself with for 30+ years must have offended some cosmic force. Everything i do right now comes at the cost of something else, and i can’t afford any of it. Being sick for literally more than half of the last month was the final straw: i’m drowning.
Historically, i’ve avoided mentioning something negative until i have the solution for it or at least a plan of action. I don’t really have either of those things. But i still feel an explanation (or maybe a warning) is warranted. I owe a toe-curling, ass-clenching amount of work/time/money to various people and organizations and i’m currently not in any shape to accomplish most of it. I promise i haven’t given up, i’m just doing that running-in-a-nightmare thing, where i can’t do anything at the speed or efficiency that i could before.
I’m sorry i can’t be the same type of a fuckup that i usually am, because that guy was at least mostly useful and mostly pleasant. He never had enough time, but he always had enough optimism, resourcefulness, and cheer. This guy is five words from a fight. Everything is broken, ill, empty, dirty, weak, owed, thin, and if i say the words “it’ll pass” even in the should-be-safe silence of my own mind, something else shows up on that list. I wish that was hyperbole, but it’s happened so regularly i feel like i’m a lab rat learning not to push the electrified button that used to give me food.
Job passed his test; not sure if i’m made of the same stuff.
This is NOT an invitation to talk about this with me. Please don’t send me well-meaning messages or anything else you wouldn’t normally do. It’s difficult enough just saying it where you can see, but i’m terrified my deteriorating social skills will permanently damage relationships without some kind of PSA, so i’m forcing myself to do it.